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世界上真的存在“男闺蜜”吗?
世界上真的存在“男闺蜜”吗?
作者:姚鸿恩 | 2014/4/13 10:13:56 | 浏览:9639 | 评论:3

世界上真的存在“男闺蜜”吗?

  电视上在播放一部都市情感剧,剧名是《我爱男闺蜜》。故事大概是:男主角方骏(黄磊饰演),为京城第一男媒婆、业内出名的金牌婚介顾问。女主角叶珊(陈数饰演)寻找对象,方骏一路陪伴,如同闺蜜。网上有每集的内容介绍,我没去看。我强烈不喜欢剧透。

  闺,门作边旁,本意为门。闺,旧时指女子内室,闺女、闺秀,由此而来。闺蜜,似乎是近年发明的新词。用“蜜”,而不用“密”,更增添了情感色彩。好比“小秘”变成“小蜜”,既指秘密,又指甜蜜。

  男闺蜜,即男性的闺蜜。闺蜜亲密无间,无所不谈,无所不为。一起聊天,一起逛街,一起饮茶。这些,男闺蜜可以办到。还有许多“一起”,比如抓痒、试衣、去洗手间,男闺蜜很难“一起”。

  蓝颜知己,比男闺蜜中性,不是“蜜”,是“知己”。

  美国人的词汇,没有那么含蓄和生动。没有“男闺蜜”,也没有“蓝颜知己”。他们叫“男性朋友”(male friend),或“亲密的男性朋友”(close male friend)。

  女性朋友,叫girl friend,女友叫 girlfriend。女性朋友,通常指一个女人的女性朋友,没有恋情关系。女友,指的是恋爱双方中的女方,网络上简写为gf。她的男友,叫boyfriend,网络上简写为bf。不管年龄多老,都这么称呼。

  因girl friend 跟 girlfriend很容易混淆,所以,女性朋友,通常叫做lady friend。注意,这个lady,只是表示女性,比如说,young lady,就是女孩。不管是女子还是男子,其女性朋友都叫做lady friend。

  根据英文维基百科,“lady friend”是一个含义不明的词,可能“小于”一个女友但又潜在地“大于”一个普通朋友(who is possibly less than a girlfriend but potentially more than a friend)。也就说,两人的关系尚不像男友女友关系,但潜在地会超出一般朋友关系。

  我跟美国学生解释“男闺蜜”的意思,得到的反馈是“他应该是同性恋者”。

  《科学美国人》(Scientific American)2012年10月有篇文章,题目是《男人和女人不可能“只是朋友”》(Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends" )。文章引用最新的研究报告,指出,“只是朋友”的男女对两人关系的态度是大相径庭的。赞同“我们的关系可导致浪漫感觉” (“our relationship could lead to romantic feelings”)的比例,男性是女性的五倍。承认在异性朋友关系中,将“恋情吸引”列为一种福利( list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships)的比例,男性也大大超过女性。文章结论是:女性大多数将对方看作纯粹的朋友,而男性则大多数“另有所图”。

  国内一个网站作了调查,结果发现:约八成女人想要有个男闺蜜。约四成将男闺蜜看作备胎,可升级为男友。将近8成表示“如果恋爱或结婚,还会继续跟男闺蜜交往”。这最后一条,相信该女孩的对象一定不会乐意。

  美国也有女性倡导拥有男性朋友(male friend),理由包括:可向他倾诉秘密,而他不会泄露出去;家里东西坏了,他会帮忙修理;搬家了,他会帮忙搬重物;等等。有一条没有说,但人们都很清楚,那就是男性朋友和女性朋友的关系,很容易变成 FWB,即 Friends With Benefits,意为“有福利的朋友”,粗俗的说法就是炮友(fuck buddies)。也就是说,在需要的时候,男的可取代“黄瓜、棒子”,女的可取代“五指姑娘”。

  男女闺蜜关系中,因多数是男闺蜜不甘心维持“纯粹朋友”(pure friends)关系。所以,关键是男的要做柳下惠。著名的网上男性杂志AskMen,曾刊登过一篇指导文章,告诫男性,保持纯粹的男女朋友关系,得做到下面三条:

  首先,绝对不过夜(absolutely no sleepovers)。不管是喝醉了,下暴雨了,或者她要求留下陪伴。即使是她睡卧室、你睡客厅也不行。第二,避免类似约会的、整个夜晚的两个人的活动,以免破坏了“柏拉图式的气氛”(atmosphere platonic)。第三,把重要的节日和活动(如出席婚礼),都让给她和她的男友。不然,人们会认为你俩是情侣。

  世界上没有绝对的事情。世界上存在男闺蜜吗?现今,尚无绝对的答案。

Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends"

Researchers asked women and men "friends" what they really think—and got very different answers

世界上真的存在“男闺蜜”吗?



iStock/Skip O'Donnell

Can heterosexual men and women ever be “just friends”? Few other questions have provoked debates as intense, family dinners as awkward, literature as lurid, or movies as memorable. Still, the question remains unanswered. Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.

New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity(or perceived opportunity)for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment.

In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships—a topic that has been explored more on the silver screen than in the science lab—researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab. Privacy was paramount—for example, imagine the fallout if two friends learned that one—and only one—had unspoken romantic feelings for the other throughout their relationship. In order to ensure honest responses, the researchers not only followed standard protocols regarding anonymity and confidentiality, but also required both friends to agree—verbally, and in front of each other—to refrain from discussing the study, even after they had left the testing facility. These friendship pairs were then separated, and each member of each pair was asked a series of questions related to his or her romantic feelings(or lack thereof)toward the friend with whom they were taking the study.

The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

Men were also more willing to act on this mistakenly perceived mutual attraction. Both men and women were equally attracted to romantically involved opposite-sex friends and those who were single; “hot” friends were hot and “not” friends were not, regardless of their relationship status. However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners. Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.

These results suggest that men, relative to women, have a particularly hard time being “just friends.” What makes these results particularly interesting is that they were found within particular friendships(remember, each participant was only asked about the specific, platonic, friend with whom they entered the lab). This is not just a bit of confirmation for stereotypes about sex-hungry males and naïve females; it is direct proof that two people can experience the exact same relationship in radically different ways. Men seem to see myriad opportunities for romance in their supposedly platonic opposite-sex friendships. The women in these friendships, however, seem to have a completely different orientation—one that is actually platonic.

To the outside observer, it seems clear that these vastly different views about the potential for romance in opposite-sex friendships could cause serious complications—and people within opposite-sex relationships agree. In a follow-up study, 249 adults(many of whom were married)were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex. Variables related to romantic attraction(e.g., “our relationship could lead to romantic feelings”)were five times more likely to be listed as negative aspects of the friendship than as positive ones. However, the differences between men and women appeared here as well. Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

Taken together, these studies suggest that men and women have vastly different views of what it means to be “just friends”—and that these differing views have the potential to lead to trouble. Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more. And even though both genders agree overall that attraction between platonic friends is more negative than positive, males are less likely than females to hold this view.

So, can men and women be “just friends?” If we all thought like women, almost certainly. But if we all thought like men, we’d probably be facing a serious overpopulation crisis.

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Friday, May 23, 2014
12:00 PM - 1:30 PM
279 Haines Hall
Talk by Yu Zhu, Fujian Normal University and Chuanbo Chen, Renmin University
“From ‘Integration into Cities’ to ‘An Integrated Society’: The Challenge of Social Protection for the Floating Population in China”
By Yu Zhu, Fujian Normal University

“Why Do Rural Chinese Want to Keep the Agricultural Hukou?”
By Chuanbo Chen, Renmin University
Lunch will be provided, please RSVP to Peter Catron (pcatron@ucla.edu) by Wednesday, May 21st to receive lunch.
Supported by: the International Institute; the UCLA School of Law; UCLA Graduate School of Education and Information Science; the Burkle Center for International Relations; the Center for European and Eurasian Studies; the Institute of American Cultures; the Department of Chicana/o Studies; the Department of Geography; and the Irene Flecknoe Ross Lecture Series in the Department of Sociology. The Irene Flecknoe Ross Lecture Series is made possible by a gift from Ray Ross in memory of his wife.

UCLA Program on International Migration: http://www.international.ucla.edu/migration/index.asp
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尊敬的海外科技人才: 您好!
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本次大会拟邀请的海外留学人才:一是取得硕士学位,在国外大学、企业或者研究机构从事专业工作三年以上的留学人员;二是取得博士学位的留学人员;三是海外留学人才创新创业团队代表;四是有影响力的海外留学人员社团;五是在产业、专业领域具有独特影响力的海外华人专才;六是已在国内创业的海外高层次留学人才。参与本次大会的省内单位:浙江各市政府、留学人员创业园以及高校、科研研究所等企事业单位;杭州市政府有关部门,各区县有关部门、开发区、留学人员创业园、科技园、投融资机构、企事业单位。热忱欢迎海内外留学人才提供来浙(杭)创业项目,与浙江、杭州企事业单位进行项目合作的信息以及来浙(杭)工作意向,大会将提供人才项目对接平台。活动期间,大会为被邀请参会的海外留学人才提供免费食宿。其中,对待技术、带项目、带资金等形式参会的海外留学人才,通过对接、筛选,经大会组委会确认,给予一定标准的国际差旅补贴。为加强项目的前期对接工作,提高人才引进成功率,作为本次大会的指定联系单位浙江省专家与留学生服务中心特意提前开始报名和征集项目工作。提前申报的项目将提前获得大会的正式邀请。请有意向人员填写邮件中的表格,并将表格发送至联系人周豪,电子邮箱:zjhwrc@vip.163.com,联系电话+86-571-87651282。
Ehywmihe说:留言于2014-05-08 09:54:24(第1条)
“男闺蜜”和“红颜知己”都是一路货。
 
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